Since childhood, my involvement in anything religious of faithful has been purely for a better luck. When I was still an elementary pupil, my grandma told me to follow her religion, and I did so that I had some permanent lent on some meat. All I wanted was to change my bad luck.
I was criticised by teachers and parents all days for the sake of not-so-good school performance, mostly the exam results and even homework results. Our math teachers graded everyday homework based on 100 points where I always got 90 or 95. My parents then blamed me of carelessness for not making a 100. People today, maybe even my parents and the teachers themselves, may think it ridiculous. However, that is exactly what happened in my elementary school age.
Being blamed made me unhappy. However, my parents and teachers accounted football as the cause. They said focus on football drove me away from school and warned me on punishment on me with less football time. One thing dad tried was that only 5 100-point math homework a week could grant me playing football. In order to fulfil this requirement, I asked Philip Yang to check my answers every morning, because he always got 100 on his homework.
In my opinion, the reason that I cannot make 100 in daily homework was that I was not lucky enough so that I made stupid mistakes in homework, i.e. wrong decimal places, mistaking addition as multiplication and so on. In order to improve my luck, I tried to pray with my grandma.
However, in middle school, I changed my attitude in school life and obtained some luck. It was then I realised that I could change my bad luck by working harder. I had almost incomparable advantage in English. By working hard, I could do well in math. And by really having luck with paying effort, I could do well in Chinese, sometimes. This told me that I still need some good luck, although I could get better result on part of my own effort.
When I was old enough to find a girl friend, I re-realized that I do need luck. One failure after another made me try to accept a Lord that have me life arranged. When I fail again, I can always comfort myself that “Lord has his own timetable other than yours”, and that “When Lord shuts a door, he opens a window”. If I renounce my faith in Christ, I could not take the risk of being laughed at.
In order to have real harvest earlier, i.e. to have my first girl friend, I always gave some fake witness to others, so that I had given all credits to Lord to my non-existing glory. Finally, I had one and thanked Lord all days after. Actually, not long before that only relationship, I had another broken heart and was going mad. It is true that Lord was my shepherd at that time. But what if I failed again? Will I still rely on Lord? I think would because I didn’t want to concede that I found a wrong Lord.
Actually, after that only relationship was over, I failed several times. When I struggled, no-one in the church could actually help me. Instead, they kept making “mistakes” to make me more painful. I have become lonely since I tried to accept Lord. I no more have that many friends as I used to.
In stead of luck, I have gained loneliness, not only in the society, but also in the church.